I think I’m the product of what he did in his last few years… and they just don’t know how to react to me.
This year has been a lot of change. Which gives me a sweet reminder that everything in your life is always prone to change, and what seems solid and stable in life actually isn’t. With one wrong move the house of cards can instantly collapse… Just hope a friend is there to help you pick up the pieces.
So I am back.
You’ve heard that before right? But I remembered you wordpress today for some reason. “Elizabeth you do remember you used to have a blog? Is it still there? Has wordpress deleted it because of your inactivity? You better check!” I freaked out and jumped straight onto my blog, which with much relief was still online!
This must be the feeling when girls used to find their old diaries under their mattress or wherever their secret hiding spot was. It’s wierd to say this because I didn’t think it was possible.
But I forgot how I used to feel.
Reading back on my posts back to when I was even nineteen years old, suprised me. I’m not that much older now (twenty-two) but it’s still feels like a massive gap. I was very lost and confused about life. And well I still am. But I have learned a lot.
This year has been massive for me. It’s been my first year out of school and education. I had my first full-time job and yes, it was media-related! Yay! My focus is primarily on production now (mostly live television) I think this is what I want to do. I am currently working on a feature film and even a tea shop on the side but hell I’ve always loved tea, it’s the perfect second job for me. I can’t imagine myself setting a career outside the creative industries. And if I do return to school, it will still be a post grad media course. I am so happy I feel I have figured it out and reading a post that mentioned how scared and unsure I was about media, I am so glad I stuck though it, because I love this crazy industry, it breaks my heart sometimes but that is the nature of anything you put all your energy and passion into.
I will blog more, this post is a mess, so much for your comeback post, liz, absolute crap effort.
we are in our twentys, we are the confused twenty somethings running around trying to figure life out. we basically are all bullshitting through it, and despite the life plan we might have for ourselves… lets admit it we are all making it up as we go along.
i dont know what is right and what is wrong anymore really, its not as black and white because amongst its a whole lot of grey.
lets keep bullshitting through life, if we fall, we will just have scars, yeah they hurt at the time but they will heal, and people always get more street cred for people with scars
Three minutes of seeing nothing but black, makes time seem so much slower.
“Okay open your eyes.”
I slowly opened my eyes and instantly squinted from the sun. I put my hand over my eyes to try to make out where the voice was. My eyes suddenly adjusted and in front of me Aiden was standing proudly wearing a huge grin, stretching his arms out to both me and Jeanice.
“What is it?” I asked. Knowing Aiden he could be holding anything in those fists. A dead bug, a leaf he picked up from the shrub behind him, or just simply nothing just to hype us all up for nothing.
“No really you’ll like it, it’s the best idea I’ve ever had!” I looked to Jeanice to see if she had any idea, or to just even exchange a ‘what is it’ sort of look. I held out my hand to catch whatever would fall from Aidens warm palms. A small piece of purple metal fell into my hand.
It was a ring and on top “Forever!” was written in pink. “What is it?” asked Jeanice looking at a ring that looked similar to mine, it was then that I noticed he was wearing the same purple ring as he given us. It was a friendship ring that was just for three people. Best Friends Forever.
I stared at my “Forever!” ring. “Wow” I said as I tried to match Aidens enthusiasm. “You really shouldn’t have gone through the trouble, really.”
Write about a moment when your idea of what it was to be a person – a self – was challenged or questioned. For example, encountering a cultural group different from your own? Learning about the cosmos? Reflect on what specific aspect of ‘personhood’ it was that you were forced to re-think.
“Consider this the slip that brought me to my knees failed”
I let my head fall on to my tightly clasped hands. I shut my eyes and shut off from the rest of world. Searching for something in the dark, the comforting feeling I used to have here was now missing.
I let myself feel it fade away, and now I felt as a last empty petty attempt to bring it back again. It was hard to admit to myself that it was well and truly gone, and this time I knew it wasn’t coming back.
Fustrated. I looked up like how most do when trying to find answers and stared at the church ceiling. I stared at the huge statue in front of me, I found it hard to bring myself to find it something much more than just the carved wood.
Faith slipping through my fingers and this time I was letting it, watching the sand fall straight through and I didn’t want to fight for it anymore.
“Trying to keep up with you, and I don’t know if I can do it”
It was draining.
Embarrassed and defeated I sat back down on the hard wooden pew. It was time for the profession of faith and everyone stood up again and prayed and I froze.
I wondered is anyone else feeling the same way I do here? I felt like my presence was fake and that I had to leave. I was an empty shell my heart wasn’t in it neither was my mind.
I put my head down to hide the fact that I wasn’t praying as well and to avoid judgemental eyes to anyone that could somehow hear what I was thinking.
“Like a hurt lost and blinded fool”
My inner self was left defeated with the debate I had with myself had for a long time.
Unable to take part of the prayer I quietly slipped out of the pews and quickly walked out of the church, knowing I would never come back through the doors again.
I let myself recognise it was gone. That it was no longer a part of me.
“Losing my religion.”
i’ve disappeared off the blog scene.
i havent blogged in ages and the posts on my blogspot and tumblr don’t count. i mean posts on personal thoughts etc havent been done in a long long time. so the natural question that arises from my disappearance off wordpress is why.
why dont i blog anymore? and the truth is i dont really know.
i dont know if i have anything worth blogging about that is worth anyone else reading. i dont know if i want my own personal thoughts to actually be out there for everyone and anyone to read. to read all my insecurities and my own realisations in life.
hmm.. maybe if i didnt have a facebook i will probably feel the need to share, that i realised new things about life, friendship and love. but facebook shows what i did everywhere even if it is not my own doing, someone else would have tagged me somewhere. so what is left? i dont know if im comfortable with this extreme display of openness on the internet for all my friends to see by an instant click?
my own personal thoughts and realisations that make conversations so much more interesting in real life. i want people to try with me, to make an effort to know what is inside my head, my newest thoughts and newest conclusions.
or maybe im just being an idiot.
i started blogging years ago. myspace came in myspace was out in comes facebook why would that change anything?
isnt that the point of blogging to share with the world my thoughts and opinions and lets face it. no one would really read this anyway.
so why do i have a sudden problem of being so open with facebook, id delete if i could. no actually i would not. i like checking in and sharing the odd photo now and then.
so what the hell is my problem?
lets face it.
if i eventually figure out a post worth blogging about i will do it. im not saying i wont blog ever again. i will. eventually. maybe even tommorow. when i figure it out and get over my writers block ill write a post soon.